6 Months

I haven’t blogged in a long time. Mostly because I don’t have much to talk about. 

My mom got me a sign today that said  “I am pretty cool but I cry a lot.”

Understatement. Right now I wake up, go to work, come home, cry, sleep, repeat. My brother has been gone for 6 months now and it’s just truly unbelievable. How have I not heard his laugh in 6 months? How I have I not been able to tell him about my shit-tas-tic breakup with plot twist after plot twist? How I have I not been able to know what he would have done in June, July, August, September, October, November? Would he have finally gotten to meet his daughter? Would he have a girlfriend? Would he have moved? Would he have shaved his beard? Would he have gotten a new wallet? Would he have stubbed his toe? The stupidest shit that runs through my brain at all hours of the day. This is grief.

Anybody that says the name Chris. Anybody that says the word “brother”. Anybody that talks about motorcycles. Anytime I have to go to the hospital to visit delicious babies, I am nauseas and thrown back into that day. Anytime I hear ICU, nurse, doctor, blood pressure, organ donation, helicopter, first responders or trauma...I am thrown back to June 5th. June 5th where my world came to a crashing hault but everyone else around us keeps going. I can’t remember who I was before Chris died. I have no clue what that woman was like. I know she cared about stupid shit that didn’t matter. This version now cares about nothing. This is grief.

My rent will be late again this month. Don’t care. MUD is probably late. Don’t care. Probably haven’t been the best friend. Don’t care. Probably haven’t been the best sister, daughter or co-worker. Don’t care. I have no strength. I was suppose to get up today and workout and juice. I woke up, watched the news, made eggs, laid back down. Don’t care. Trust when I say.. don’t care... I SERIOUSLY do.not.care. This is grief.

I’m sure some of you are reading this and rolling your eyes. Thinking what a martyr, looking for attention or sympathy. NO. I am not. I just want people to understand what this journey has been. This grief and the depression that is tagged along with it is hands down the most demanding and relentless emotion I have ever felt. It is POWERFUL. I can’t even fake it. I’ve tried. I’ve tried to shove him out of my thoughts completely. I’ve tried not melting down in Target when this little girl was saying “brother, brother, brother!” I’ve tried the whole... everything happens for a reason, God’s plan, he’s always with me, up in heaven approach. I can’t fake it. I’m not there yet. Even the fish that jumped out of the lake when I told it too wasn’t a good enough sing for me. The dreams? Made me feel scared and so lonely. I woke up sweating in the dark. They say its better to feel pain than nothing at all but how does one feel both at the same time? This is grief. 

I’m not sure what stage of grief this is but it’s been the toughest. I have no hobbies, no ambition, no goals, no care. Every night when I lay my head down and close my eyes I see him laying in the hospital bed. I wish I would have laid next to him. I regret it. I wish I would have climbed my ass on that bed and just laid with him. Things I can never get back, so why beat myself up about it right? Can’t help it... the mind can be a dangerous place sometimes. This is grief.

Just like mental illness, grief, I’ve learned has a massive stigma on it. People will tell you that it will take time and to take your time... but NOT TOO MUCH time is the vibe I have gotten. Nobody wants to be around the Debbie Downer. I get it. However the CRAZIEST thing that I’ve realized is that we ALL die. Uhhh duh right? No, before Chris died I’ve never really thought about it. You can’t right? I mean we can’t constantly be thinking about how we are all going to die one day. No one would get out of bed... and everyone would be doing whatever they wanted. Which I think would be absolutely fabulous. No responsibilities, no care in the world, traveling, adventures, staying up until you couldn’t take it anymore, drinking to excess, having passionate romances, not worrying about your credit score or some asshole that just broke your heart, everyone  just running amuck! Why don’t we live like that? We should. 

Not a lot of people probably even knew that it’s been 6 months tomorrow. That hurts me for some reason. I don’t know why? It’s not their tragedy. It’s not their brother, son, uncle, grandson, nephew... but it seems to hurt for some reason. My mom always says that Oprah says, “When you die you just become a memory.” Well..... fuck you, Oprah. <—- that isn’t grief. That’ s just being mad at the world. 

I don’t wish this pain and sadness on anybody. I genuinely in my heart do not especially so young. Everyone loves a triumph after tragedy... a good story for Facebook but it’s not always the case. At least not yet. People move on but not us. We are stuck with a huge hole in our family. Troy and I had Thanksgiving and the whole time I told myself that Chris was still in Arizona. He couldn’t make it home because the truth would have made me fall to my knees, even though I know it. I was a Scrooge before Chris died and now the holidays really mean nothing to me. When people talk about such meaningless bullshit about presents and the financial strain it causes I just want to shout PLEASE just be THANKFUL for what you have, which is your loved ones. It is ALL that matters. Not new iPhones. 

I was never a fan of Oprah but I am a massive fan of Ellen. She makes me so happy and lets my brain escape for an hour every time I can watch her. Even though this wasn’t your tragedy and it was ours just remember....Be Kind To One Another - because even when someone texts me something funny and I reply with an LOL, they don’t know that I’m really laying on the floor trying to catch my breathe from crying my eyes out because I still miss Christopher every.single.day. 

Total Eclipse of the Heart

How cheesy is that title? It just seemed SO appropriate with the events of this Monday and the topic of this blog-- the heart. 

I know some of you are probably thinking barf but, if you guys know me, you know I'll keep it real. I'm sure most of you have figured out by now that I am single. Which to some is probably shocking... based off my social media and the fact that we were building a house together.... ha.

However, shit happens right? Sometimes in a relationship it's hard to tell the difference between a rough patch and unhappiness. What I thought was a rough patch was unhappiness from him. I think I fell out of it just as much as he did. Maybe we were just both in over our heads with moving forward and not wanting to hurt each other.  Commitment. It's a sonof a bitch isn't it? But for me not really- the only thing I can't commit to is being up before 8AM and regularly working out. Committing to a man? Sure no problem, let's do it. Feed me a bunch of bullshit about how I am so special and "the one" and how no other girl is like me and blah blah blah. I eat it up. Give me a piece of bread and I will wipe the plate clean. It makes you feel good. I just dive right in and go for it! A hopeless romantic! Makes you feel like FINALLY someone sees you for the magical, fabulous, badass, mermaid you really are! 

And then it all comes crashing down. Blindsided.  And I am the one that is always left with the mess to clean up. Everyone always just gets to walk away. Me? I am stuck with the pictures in the frames and the shadow boxes and the man soap in my shower and the disgusting tuna packets in my pantry that weren't mine and pictures on the fridge and the cards from Valentine's Day that say shit like "here's to many more years." When really it should have said "here's to until times get tough." Am I bitter? Maybe a little but if anything I am bitter with myself. Why do I let men do this to me? How did I not see this coming? Why is it so easy to walk away from me? Why doesn't anyone fight for me or care about me? And that is what I need to work on because that's the feeling that I am so often left with after a relationship ends. I thought I meant... more. I have no bad feelings towards my ex at all and I wish him all the best in his life and future endeavors. But damn... makes you feel worthless. It's like another death in my life. 

Now I'm back on Tinder and this one called Bumble. Why? Not really sure because I would be good to no mans right now. I have nothing to give you. Unless you want to talk about my brother who just died I have nothing to talk about. Chick music makes me super happy right now and I can guarantee no dude wants to listen to me cry to Kesha and Maren Morris. And boy OH BOY has good ol' Tinder changed. My thumb has arthritis from swiping left so much. If you think its cool to look for something " on the side" you aren't apart of the problem, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM and pretty ballsy to put your name and all that out there because if I knew your wife I'd send her a screenshot of your nasty ass. Ew. Gross. What other dating sites are out there? I refuse to pay though... just won't do it guys!  I'm not afraid to admit that it gets lonely. It does. It gets AWFUL lonely. All of my friends have moved away, moved on, on their second kid, second marriage and then here I am. Starting all over again with my shithead cat. Just kidding Georgie! Mommy loves you! I'm not looking for a relationship just someone to talk to. I think it will be a LONG time before I actually date anyone again. The walls I have up now are about 25 miles high.  And honestly? I just don't give a fuck about anyone right now. Is that selfish? Most likely but that's just where I am with men... and friends... and everybody. It all stems from my brother, I know this but I think time will only help ease up my nonchalant pissed off attitude towards everyone. 

Also I don't know if like a bat signal gets sent out to my exes when I do become single again but holy shit snacks Batman! How do they find out? It makes me LOL when I get that text " Hey.... just thought about you the other day... hope all is well.... " Like bro- how did you know this? Who told you? Was it the batman? Actually I had a good conversation with one of them and I've never felt like more of an adult in my life. Say what? You can talk to an ex without it turning shitty or sexual? Look out 30! Here I come! 

Anyway, back to the serious stuff. Sometimes maybe you just aren't enough for that person. You aren't what they need. That doesn't make you a bad person or wrong it just makes you incompatible. Unfortuanately it took us almost 2 years to figure that out. I try. Lord knows I try to compromise and be everything that they need but.... I have 2 dads 1 mom and then a little bit of me that is morphed into who I am. Heading into the next decade of my life I am who I am at this point. I am negative and stubborn sometimes and I complain and sometimes especially right now I am sad with the loss of my dear brother who I miss every single minute and it punches me in the gut throughout the day still. I'm not going to apologize for who I am anymore. It's a rough patch right now and I think it was the fabulous Marilyn Monroe that once said "If you can't handle me at my worse, you don't deserve me at my best." Sorry I don't always have it together. Life is messy and gross and painful and sad and awful sometimes. It can't always be rainbows and sunshine and puppies. I need someone that will be there when the eclipse comes and covers my heart. When it gets really dark and kind of scary and only a little sun is shining through because just like an actual eclipse it will pass and it will be sunny again. I will be sunny again. 

Beam Me Up

"Am I dead? Or is this one of those dreams? Those horrible dreams... that seem like they last forever. If I am alive... why? Why? If there is a God or whatever... something... somewhere... why have I been abandoned by everyone and everything I've ever known, I've ever loved. Stranded. What is the lesson? What is the point? God give me a sign or I have to give up. I can't do this anymore. Please just let me die. Being alive hurts too much."


Ok, that last part is a little heavy but DAAAAYYUUMM Kesha seriously touched my soul with those words. I stole them because I didn't know how to start this blog. I tried to come up with something funny but it never came to me. As a lot of you know I lost my brother almost 2 months ago. Only 2 months. Two months that have felt like a sea of fuzzy confusing heart shattering time warp, where I am stuck in June 5th. The worst day of my life. The worst phone call, worst drive, worst pain. The type of pain that hurts so much you would think it would bleed out somewhere or somehow be fixable. How is it August? What happened in the rest of June? July wasn't any better and now its August. I haven't talked to my brother in 2 months? That can't be right....

That day in the ICU when nurse Sophia told us that it was a "nonsurvivable brain injury" I will never forget that feeling. It was like when a baby gets hurt and they do that cry but hold it in and then they finally gasp and it's a terrible sad cry. It was like something was in my body trying to claw it's way out. Somewhere in my head told me to scan him. Remember everything on him. While holding his hand I remember the oil under his nails. He wasn't dirty- he was a hard working lineman. He had dried peeled skin on his knuckles where he got a steam burn from work that was almost completely healed. Every single freckle on his long arms. He was tan. They shaved half of his head to put a tube in it but his hair looked so good otherwise. He had red and little bit of gray sprinkled into his beard. He had dirt on his forehead from work. I put my hand on his shoulder and rubbed it. Whispering in his ear that he was late for work and to wake up! Wake up Chris! PLEASE. Put my hand on his heart and felt it beat. Even if the machine was doing it- it still felt good. He had a tiny cut by his eye that nobody would clean up. I wiped it for about 8 hours. It wouldn't stop and it bothered me. I felt so hopeless and that was the only thing I could do to help him. Every time I went by his face to rub his forehead or caress his hair I kept thinking he was going to pop his eyes open and scare me. How he used to when we were little. I would have taken the scare but it never came. 

And now I have a hole. A HUGE hole that is in my heart and life. Two people that day lost their ONLY son. Two other people lost their YOUNGER brother- their uncle, their nephew, their grandson, their friend, their ex-boyfriend... but me? I am the only one that lost her BIG brother. My protector.  The ONLY man who has never left me is now gone. The ONLY  person who could beat me up but still save me. The man that has been the only constant. My brother, who would have lit my fire and not put it out when I would have told him that my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. The person that would have told me right now- "His loss, sis." And then follow up with " Do I need to beat some ass?" I have never felt so scared and alone to think that I can't just call him or tag him in something funny about siblings on Facebook. Or have fishing wars with him at the lake. Or a beer with him. Or hear that INSANE contagious ridiculous laughter he had.  

When something like this happens its.... awkward. People don't know what to say. They look at you different. Friends are almost scared of you and don't come around....No one knows what to say or do. But if there is one thing you don't say its this. Or at least don't say it to me because I will have to karate chop you in the neck. 

"Did he have a wife or kids?"
"No."
"Oh, well that's good." 

That's... good? That's terrible. He was 31 and now he will NEVER have that. Chris in fact did have a daughter that he never got to meet and it ate him up inside.  LORD knows he was trying to make it right. He always tried to make it right and to make people happy. And now he will never have that chance. And that little girl will never know about how amazing, gracious good hearted man her biological father was. THAT in itself just tears at whatever heart I have left apart. 

I have said this before and I will say it again. Life is BRUTALLY fragile. That Sunday was such an amazing day and in literally a blink of an eye my whole world was shattered into pieces. If you have a loved one that you aren't talking to FIX IT. I am SO lucky that Chris and I were on great terms. Had we not been I would probably be in a straight jacket right now. The one thing that keeps me going in all of this is him. His voice. I can't recall us ever really talking about if one or the other had died what we would do but I know my brother well enough to know that he wouldn't want me sad. He would have told me that it was his time. Which I hate . He would say DO NOT worry about me. He would say that you will find someone better and deserve better. (That's for a different blog guys) He would say that I'll be ok and to look after mom and dad. He would say Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain! And then we would laugh and laugh and then he would say all joking aside.. "It is what it is."