How cheesy is that title? It just seemed SO appropriate with the events of this Monday and the topic of this blog-- the heart.
I know some of you are probably thinking barf but, if you guys know me, you know I'll keep it real. I'm sure most of you have figured out by now that I am single. Which to some is probably shocking... based off my social media and the fact that we were building a house together.... ha.
However, shit happens right? Sometimes in a relationship it's hard to tell the difference between a rough patch and unhappiness. What I thought was a rough patch was unhappiness from him. I think I fell out of it just as much as he did. Maybe we were just both in over our heads with moving forward and not wanting to hurt each other. Commitment. It's a sonof a bitch isn't it? But for me not really- the only thing I can't commit to is being up before 8AM and regularly working out. Committing to a man? Sure no problem, let's do it. Feed me a bunch of bullshit about how I am so special and "the one" and how no other girl is like me and blah blah blah. I eat it up. Give me a piece of bread and I will wipe the plate clean. It makes you feel good. I just dive right in and go for it! A hopeless romantic! Makes you feel like FINALLY someone sees you for the magical, fabulous, badass, mermaid you really are!
And then it all comes crashing down. Blindsided. And I am the one that is always left with the mess to clean up. Everyone always just gets to walk away. Me? I am stuck with the pictures in the frames and the shadow boxes and the man soap in my shower and the disgusting tuna packets in my pantry that weren't mine and pictures on the fridge and the cards from Valentine's Day that say shit like "here's to many more years." When really it should have said "here's to until times get tough." Am I bitter? Maybe a little but if anything I am bitter with myself. Why do I let men do this to me? How did I not see this coming? Why is it so easy to walk away from me? Why doesn't anyone fight for me or care about me? And that is what I need to work on because that's the feeling that I am so often left with after a relationship ends. I thought I meant... more. I have no bad feelings towards my ex at all and I wish him all the best in his life and future endeavors. But damn... makes you feel worthless. It's like another death in my life.
Now I'm back on Tinder and this one called Bumble. Why? Not really sure because I would be good to no mans right now. I have nothing to give you. Unless you want to talk about my brother who just died I have nothing to talk about. Chick music makes me super happy right now and I can guarantee no dude wants to listen to me cry to Kesha and Maren Morris. And boy OH BOY has good ol' Tinder changed. My thumb has arthritis from swiping left so much. If you think its cool to look for something " on the side" you aren't apart of the problem, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM and pretty ballsy to put your name and all that out there because if I knew your wife I'd send her a screenshot of your nasty ass. Ew. Gross. What other dating sites are out there? I refuse to pay though... just won't do it guys! I'm not afraid to admit that it gets lonely. It does. It gets AWFUL lonely. All of my friends have moved away, moved on, on their second kid, second marriage and then here I am. Starting all over again with my shithead cat. Just kidding Georgie! Mommy loves you! I'm not looking for a relationship just someone to talk to. I think it will be a LONG time before I actually date anyone again. The walls I have up now are about 25 miles high. And honestly? I just don't give a fuck about anyone right now. Is that selfish? Most likely but that's just where I am with men... and friends... and everybody. It all stems from my brother, I know this but I think time will only help ease up my nonchalant pissed off attitude towards everyone.
Also I don't know if like a bat signal gets sent out to my exes when I do become single again but holy shit snacks Batman! How do they find out? It makes me LOL when I get that text " Hey.... just thought about you the other day... hope all is well.... " Like bro- how did you know this? Who told you? Was it the batman? Actually I had a good conversation with one of them and I've never felt like more of an adult in my life. Say what? You can talk to an ex without it turning shitty or sexual? Look out 30! Here I come!
Anyway, back to the serious stuff. Sometimes maybe you just aren't enough for that person. You aren't what they need. That doesn't make you a bad person or wrong it just makes you incompatible. Unfortuanately it took us almost 2 years to figure that out. I try. Lord knows I try to compromise and be everything that they need but.... I have 2 dads 1 mom and then a little bit of me that is morphed into who I am. Heading into the next decade of my life I am who I am at this point. I am negative and stubborn sometimes and I complain and sometimes especially right now I am sad with the loss of my dear brother who I miss every single minute and it punches me in the gut throughout the day still. I'm not going to apologize for who I am anymore. It's a rough patch right now and I think it was the fabulous Marilyn Monroe that once said "If you can't handle me at my worse, you don't deserve me at my best." Sorry I don't always have it together. Life is messy and gross and painful and sad and awful sometimes. It can't always be rainbows and sunshine and puppies. I need someone that will be there when the eclipse comes and covers my heart. When it gets really dark and kind of scary and only a little sun is shining through because just like an actual eclipse it will pass and it will be sunny again. I will be sunny again.
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