My mom got me a sign today that said “I am pretty cool but I cry a lot.”
Understatement. Right now I wake up, go to work, come home, cry, sleep, repeat. My brother has been gone for 6 months now and it’s just truly unbelievable. How have I not heard his laugh in 6 months? How I have I not been able to tell him about my shit-tas-tic breakup with plot twist after plot twist? How I have I not been able to know what he would have done in June, July, August, September, October, November? Would he have finally gotten to meet his daughter? Would he have a girlfriend? Would he have moved? Would he have shaved his beard? Would he have gotten a new wallet? Would he have stubbed his toe? The stupidest shit that runs through my brain at all hours of the day. This is grief.
Anybody that says the name Chris. Anybody that says the word “brother”. Anybody that talks about motorcycles. Anytime I have to go to the hospital to visit delicious babies, I am nauseas and thrown back into that day. Anytime I hear ICU, nurse, doctor, blood pressure, organ donation, helicopter, first responders or trauma...I am thrown back to June 5th. June 5th where my world came to a crashing hault but everyone else around us keeps going. I can’t remember who I was before Chris died. I have no clue what that woman was like. I know she cared about stupid shit that didn’t matter. This version now cares about nothing. This is grief.
My rent will be late again this month. Don’t care. MUD is probably late. Don’t care. Probably haven’t been the best friend. Don’t care. Probably haven’t been the best sister, daughter or co-worker. Don’t care. I have no strength. I was suppose to get up today and workout and juice. I woke up, watched the news, made eggs, laid back down. Don’t care. Trust when I say.. don’t care... I SERIOUSLY do.not.care. This is grief.
I’m sure some of you are reading this and rolling your eyes. Thinking what a martyr, looking for attention or sympathy. NO. I am not. I just want people to understand what this journey has been. This grief and the depression that is tagged along with it is hands down the most demanding and relentless emotion I have ever felt. It is POWERFUL. I can’t even fake it. I’ve tried. I’ve tried to shove him out of my thoughts completely. I’ve tried not melting down in Target when this little girl was saying “brother, brother, brother!” I’ve tried the whole... everything happens for a reason, God’s plan, he’s always with me, up in heaven approach. I can’t fake it. I’m not there yet. Even the fish that jumped out of the lake when I told it too wasn’t a good enough sing for me. The dreams? Made me feel scared and so lonely. I woke up sweating in the dark. They say its better to feel pain than nothing at all but how does one feel both at the same time? This is grief.
I’m not sure what stage of grief this is but it’s been the toughest. I have no hobbies, no ambition, no goals, no care. Every night when I lay my head down and close my eyes I see him laying in the hospital bed. I wish I would have laid next to him. I regret it. I wish I would have climbed my ass on that bed and just laid with him. Things I can never get back, so why beat myself up about it right? Can’t help it... the mind can be a dangerous place sometimes. This is grief.
Just like mental illness, grief, I’ve learned has a massive stigma on it. People will tell you that it will take time and to take your time... but NOT TOO MUCH time is the vibe I have gotten. Nobody wants to be around the Debbie Downer. I get it. However the CRAZIEST thing that I’ve realized is that we ALL die. Uhhh duh right? No, before Chris died I’ve never really thought about it. You can’t right? I mean we can’t constantly be thinking about how we are all going to die one day. No one would get out of bed... and everyone would be doing whatever they wanted. Which I think would be absolutely fabulous. No responsibilities, no care in the world, traveling, adventures, staying up until you couldn’t take it anymore, drinking to excess, having passionate romances, not worrying about your credit score or some asshole that just broke your heart, everyone just running amuck! Why don’t we live like that? We should.
Not a lot of people probably even knew that it’s been 6 months tomorrow. That hurts me for some reason. I don’t know why? It’s not their tragedy. It’s not their brother, son, uncle, grandson, nephew... but it seems to hurt for some reason. My mom always says that Oprah says, “When you die you just become a memory.” Well..... fuck you, Oprah. <—- that isn’t grief. That’ s just being mad at the world.
I don’t wish this pain and sadness on anybody. I genuinely in my heart do not especially so young. Everyone loves a triumph after tragedy... a good story for Facebook but it’s not always the case. At least not yet. People move on but not us. We are stuck with a huge hole in our family. Troy and I had Thanksgiving and the whole time I told myself that Chris was still in Arizona. He couldn’t make it home because the truth would have made me fall to my knees, even though I know it. I was a Scrooge before Chris died and now the holidays really mean nothing to me. When people talk about such meaningless bullshit about presents and the financial strain it causes I just want to shout PLEASE just be THANKFUL for what you have, which is your loved ones. It is ALL that matters. Not new iPhones.
I was never a fan of Oprah but I am a massive fan of Ellen. She makes me so happy and lets my brain escape for an hour every time I can watch her. Even though this wasn’t your tragedy and it was ours just remember....Be Kind To One Another - because even when someone texts me something funny and I reply with an LOL, they don’t know that I’m really laying on the floor trying to catch my breathe from crying my eyes out because I still miss Christopher every.single.day. 
Hugs to you Erika. My mom went into the hospital for a routine angioplasty with a 1% risk. She never came home. We were closer than close. I was 33 years old. Hurts to this day. Has lessened some of course but I still miss her every day & I always will. I remember seeing the pretzels she used to buy in the store and busting out crying and telling myself "get yourself together Laura, people are watching". People may not understand what you are going through 100% because they haven't been in your shoes. Talking about it helps us through the grieving process. If you ever want someone to talk to don't hesitate calling us.....Xoxo
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